I was raised in a decent home. My parents are still married, and they never drank or used drugs. My father was a minister for my entire life. My mom always wanted me looking my best, and acting my best. She was so proud of me. However, somewhere along the line, I started acting up. My mom's smiles started turning to frowns. I started being disrespectful and rebellious. Soon thereafter I discovered drugs and alcohol, and thus I began my downward spiral.
When I was 17, my parents were awoken in the middle of the night by a phone call from the sheriff's department informing them that their son was in Intensive Care and that they should get to the hospital as soon as possible. I had gotten drunk, stole a car, and wrecked it into a telephone pole going 80 mph without a seat belt. I had to have emergency heart surgery, three blood transfusions, and my right arm was badly damaged. It was a miracle I lived through the accident, and I actually had to be resuscitated a couple of times on the way to the hospital. The accident left my right arm completely paralyzed. I was right handed, but not anymore.
Things got worse before they got better. I had a new drug to abuse when I got out of the hospital, oxycodone. I found out later that my parents were constantly praying for me, and my mother would cry herself to sleep some night over me.
Soon, I had a spiritual experience and I surrendered my life to God. I stopped smoking and using. Life was good for a few years, but I never admitted my powerlessness over my addictions. Eventually, my disease crept back into my life and I found myself in jail again, wondering how I got there and why this was happening to me; (God disciplines those that he loves.) I managed to pull my head out of my butt long enough to surrender my life to God again, and stopped using and drinking. However, I was still in control, and I still never admitted my powerlessness over my addictions.
A few years later, I was back to the races and by now a full fledged alcoholic. God only knows how many hours my mother cried over me.
I was 28 by now, and was introduced to crack for the first time. My downward spiral went from fast to the speed of light. Six months later I was robbing a gas station for $150 bucks. I'm here in prison doing a five piece over that. My mom had a nervous breakdown when I was sentenced. I wasn't completely responsible for that but, but I am sure I had something to do with it. We hurt everyone that loves us when we choose to be selfish and self-centered in our addiction.
I lied to myself for a long time, thinking I was only hurting myself. Now, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and watching my family suffer along with me. Now my Father is dying and needing a second kidney transplant and in the hospital about to get open heart surgery for five blockages in his heart. At a time when my family needs me the most, my choices have separated me from them and I can't be there to support them. This situation is out of my control, and the best I can do for them now is to focus on my recovery and pray for them. My goal is to bring tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow to my mother's eyes. I want my Dad to know before he dies that his son was doing the best he could and the next right thing . By the grace of God, I am living one day at a time and my Mother's Prayers are being answered.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Letting Go
"It's my way or the highway" was my motto, and quite often I was on the highway. This type of thinking is the root to my self-centered behavior. I knew what was best for me, no one told me what to do. When life reminded me who was really in control, with those bricks that occasionally whacked me upside my heard head, I turned to medication. Now that was something I could control. Right? Well, at least I thought I was in control.
"If it wasn't for those damn (fill in the blank)." Nothing was ever my fault. Eventually standing before a judge and facing jail time,I finally realized that I messed up somewhere, and even that was someone else's fault. "Well, next time, I'm Not going to touch alcohol or cocaine, I'll just smoke weed." That type of thinking is still me trying to control things or as one of our AA leads said "I like playing God". I want to control everything, and the more I try, the more things spiral out of control.
When I first entered the rooms of recovery, a NA member tried to illustrate to me what step three looked like. She gave me a rock and told me to hold it in my hand with a closed fist and said "That is us holding on to our old ideas and thinking." When we take step two- becoming aware that a force greater than ourselves could return us to sanity, that is opening your fist and loosening your grip on the rock, but the rock is still in your hand. This allows us to easily take our problems and lives back in our control. Taking step three, we turn our hands OVER, letting the rock fall. This is surrender. Our hands are free from the rock and that is our sanity. By the grace of God, I now understand today that most of my problems are the result of my faulty thinking and attitudes. I use to blame circumstances, people, and things. I've learned to let the blame rest squarely on my shoulders where it belongs, and what a heavy weight it is!
However, using the third step I no longer have to carry that weight, my higher power does. When I try to carry that weight, instead of making any progress, I add to the weight. My best thinking and actions leave a path of destruction and misery. So today, I make a conscious decision to "Let Go" of my problems, of my worries, of my relationships, and of my life. "The man who loves his life will loose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life". (John 12:25 NIV)
As I practice step three daily, because it is not a step that is only taken once, I am beginning to find a life that I didn't know existed on the streets during my sickness.
"If it wasn't for those damn (fill in the blank)." Nothing was ever my fault. Eventually standing before a judge and facing jail time,I finally realized that I messed up somewhere, and even that was someone else's fault. "Well, next time, I'm Not going to touch alcohol or cocaine, I'll just smoke weed." That type of thinking is still me trying to control things or as one of our AA leads said "I like playing God". I want to control everything, and the more I try, the more things spiral out of control.
When I first entered the rooms of recovery, a NA member tried to illustrate to me what step three looked like. She gave me a rock and told me to hold it in my hand with a closed fist and said "That is us holding on to our old ideas and thinking." When we take step two- becoming aware that a force greater than ourselves could return us to sanity, that is opening your fist and loosening your grip on the rock, but the rock is still in your hand. This allows us to easily take our problems and lives back in our control. Taking step three, we turn our hands OVER, letting the rock fall. This is surrender. Our hands are free from the rock and that is our sanity. By the grace of God, I now understand today that most of my problems are the result of my faulty thinking and attitudes. I use to blame circumstances, people, and things. I've learned to let the blame rest squarely on my shoulders where it belongs, and what a heavy weight it is!
However, using the third step I no longer have to carry that weight, my higher power does. When I try to carry that weight, instead of making any progress, I add to the weight. My best thinking and actions leave a path of destruction and misery. So today, I make a conscious decision to "Let Go" of my problems, of my worries, of my relationships, and of my life. "The man who loves his life will loose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life". (John 12:25 NIV)
As I practice step three daily, because it is not a step that is only taken once, I am beginning to find a life that I didn't know existed on the streets during my sickness.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Made a Decision
"Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong." -As Bill Sees It
Iv'e Always been somewhat of a loner. Even before I was ever incarcerated, I felt like an outcast, like I just didn't fit in anywhere. I was always great at starting up friendships, but always found a reason to distance myself and isolate myself. it seemed like my friends and family never lived up to my expectations, and I let them know it by drinking and using. For that matter, life never seemed to be up to my standards either. So, i drank and used while I said "F@%# the world!" My belief was that i was only hurting myself.
I would have moments of clarity, realizing that my addictions were in fact hurting those around me. Those closest to me would reach out to help, but either accused them of ulterior motives or pushed them away because I wasn't ready to change. I would find myself feeling so lonely,as if everyone had turned their back on me. When in reality it was I who had turned my back on them in my selfishness.
When I first decided to change, and try the rooms of recovery, I didn't understand fully what people meant when they talked about the "fellowship". I was so use to doing things by myself, and being alone. I wanted to just "work the steps", and go on about my life without drinking and doing drugs. Why would I need the help of other addicts? Isn't that like the blind leading the bind? I really didn't like people. In reality, I didn't like myself. I continued to struggle with this type of thinking for over a year. I came to prison and finally truly surrendered to God and said, "Your will not mine be done". This freed my mind enough to objectively look at how "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another" is at the core of every recovery. I can't stay sober by myself. I have to give it away. It's the age old principle that is more blessed to give than to receive. I used to think that I just wanted to be left alone. I've come to realize that loneliness is my enemy, and I'm grateful to the fellowship that I don't have to be alone anymore. I've come to realize, that I need other addicts just as much as they need me. So as we celebrate Independence day, Remember that recovery is not independent but interdependent.
Iv'e Always been somewhat of a loner. Even before I was ever incarcerated, I felt like an outcast, like I just didn't fit in anywhere. I was always great at starting up friendships, but always found a reason to distance myself and isolate myself. it seemed like my friends and family never lived up to my expectations, and I let them know it by drinking and using. For that matter, life never seemed to be up to my standards either. So, i drank and used while I said "F@%# the world!" My belief was that i was only hurting myself.
I would have moments of clarity, realizing that my addictions were in fact hurting those around me. Those closest to me would reach out to help, but either accused them of ulterior motives or pushed them away because I wasn't ready to change. I would find myself feeling so lonely,as if everyone had turned their back on me. When in reality it was I who had turned my back on them in my selfishness.
When I first decided to change, and try the rooms of recovery, I didn't understand fully what people meant when they talked about the "fellowship". I was so use to doing things by myself, and being alone. I wanted to just "work the steps", and go on about my life without drinking and doing drugs. Why would I need the help of other addicts? Isn't that like the blind leading the bind? I really didn't like people. In reality, I didn't like myself. I continued to struggle with this type of thinking for over a year. I came to prison and finally truly surrendered to God and said, "Your will not mine be done". This freed my mind enough to objectively look at how "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another" is at the core of every recovery. I can't stay sober by myself. I have to give it away. It's the age old principle that is more blessed to give than to receive. I used to think that I just wanted to be left alone. I've come to realize that loneliness is my enemy, and I'm grateful to the fellowship that I don't have to be alone anymore. I've come to realize, that I need other addicts just as much as they need me. So as we celebrate Independence day, Remember that recovery is not independent but interdependent.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)