Letting Go

"It's my way or the highway" was my motto, and quite often I was on the highway. This type of thinking is the root to my self-centered behavior. I knew what was best for me, no one told me what to do. When life reminded me who was really in control, with those bricks that occasionally whacked me upside my heard head, I turned to medication. Now that was something I could control. Right? Well, at least I thought I was in control.

"If it wasn't for those damn (fill in the blank)." Nothing was ever my fault. Eventually standing before a judge and facing jail time,I finally realized that I messed up somewhere, and even that was someone else's fault. "Well, next time, I'm Not going to touch alcohol or cocaine, I'll just smoke weed." That type of thinking is still me trying to control things or as one of our AA leads said "I like playing God". I want to control everything, and the more I try, the more things spiral out of control.

When I first entered the rooms of recovery, a NA member tried to illustrate to me what step three looked like. She gave me a rock and told me to hold it in my hand with a closed fist and said "That is us holding on to our old ideas and thinking." When we take step two- becoming aware that a force greater than ourselves could return us to sanity, that is opening your fist and loosening your grip on the rock, but the rock is still in your hand. This allows us to easily take our problems and lives back in our control. Taking step three, we turn our hands OVER, letting the rock fall. This is surrender. Our hands are free from the rock and that is our sanity. By the grace of God, I now understand today that most of my problems are the result of my faulty thinking and attitudes. I use to blame circumstances, people, and things. I've learned to let the blame rest squarely on my shoulders where it belongs, and what a heavy weight it is!

However, using the third step I no longer have to carry that weight, my higher power does. When I try to carry that weight, instead of making any progress, I add to the weight. My best thinking and actions leave a path of destruction and misery. So today, I make a conscious decision to "Let Go" of my problems, of my worries, of my relationships, and of my life. "The man who loves his life will loose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life". (John 12:25 NIV)

As I practice step three daily, because it is not a step that is only taken once, I am beginning to find a life that I didn't know existed on the streets during my sickness.