Happy Belated Mother’s Day Everyone! I am no longer writing for the Pickaway Correctional Institution’s (PCI) newsletter, as I have been moved to Marion Correctional Institution (MCI) and have been placed into their “camp”, which is their minimum security facility. I am about two hours or so closer to home. These “updates” will be targeted more towards my blog readers and less towards my fellow inmates via the Recovery Services Newsletter. My awesome sister had just been posting my newsletter articles for me every month and now I will be writing for the blog. I recently had a visit with some dear family friends, the Nobles, and they were under the impression that I was posting the updates to the blog from within the “walls”, so I thought I might let you in on the secret too- Rachel, my sister posts these for me via snail mail! Thanks Rach! She’s a trooper, especially because my hand writing is awful! I have actually only seen what the blog looks like from a screen print she has sent me months and months ago. In 21 more months I’ll get to type my updates myself, until then…Thanks, Sis!
In AA, they say, “You’re only as sick as your secrets. “The longer I keep skeletons in my closet, the longer I live with shame and guilt. This begins May, I like to take a look at the step of the Month 5 “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” This step requires honesty, true humility, and willingness. After working step 4; I couldn’t wait to tell on myself, because I could see the freedom at the end of the “tunnel”. There is no real freedom without confession, what a relief it is to finally give up the weight of my lies and excuses. When I confess my sins, I find the internal peace I lost so long ago. I am also one step closer on my journey to recovery. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:19) NIV
-Marshall K.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Take a "Fourth" or drink a Fifth!
I first started seriously working the steps after I received my Big Book from World Services in '09. I was in Belmont Correctional Institution, better known to us inmates as “Gladiator School”, and I hadn’t even been down 6 months and I was desperately hopeless, and starving for some peace & serenity. I found hope in AA and I remembered from the meeting on the street that the program really does work, if you work it, I had been heavenly involved with religion there as well, and found a level of comfort in it, but I knew I needed to do something about my addictions. So I wrote Alcoholics Anonymous World Services in New York and explained my situation. They sent me a Big Book and some AA literature and I was on my way.
I worked the steps as best as I could by myself. (They say in AA that whoever sponsors himself has a fool for a sponsor). Just as the Big Book describes it, and got to step four when my pride and ego slammed on the brakes, “Surely, there is an easier, softer way…?” it said. While my step work came to a halt, I continued on my journey for peace, serenity and recovery. I got involved with some other programs the prison had to offer and continued going to meetings, but I knew I had a lot more work to do.
I was transferred to Pickaway Correctional Institution and discovered there a fully functional community of people in recovery and an AA group that was flourishing. I recommitted myself to my step work, and began looking for a sponsor- there had been no AA sponsorship available in the prison I came from. I dove into recovery head first ignoring the warning signs ”Easy does it,” and nearly knocked myself out of it. Fell time and time again, but pressed on because my desire to get better and stay sober was greater than my desire to quit.
“So when AA suggests a fearless moral inventory, it must seem to every new comer that more is being asked of him than he can do. Both his pride and fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself, pride says, “You need not pass this way,” Fear says, “You dare not look!” But the testimony of AA’s who have really tried a moral inventory is that pride and fear of this sort turn out to be boogeymen, nothing else.” (Twelve & Twelve pg. 49)
Every time I sat down to work on my Fourth Step, I would get knee deep and decide that I better put it off some more for one reason or another. I never had a problem coming up with an excuse (aren’t addicts the Kings of Excuses?). Before I knew it a year had passed and I was stuck on step four. My contentment started to weigh and I began to relapse emotionally. My pride was in full effect and I justified my actions as my difficulties started to mount. However, I continued to seek God, and continued to work steps 1, 2, & 3 in my life as well as continued to show up & participate in meetings. “Meeting makers, make it!” And I finally took some suggestions – and just did it!
“Step Four is the vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what the liabilities in each of us have been, and are. I want to find exactly how, when, and where my natural desires have warped me. I wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and myself. By discovering what my emotional deformities are, I can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for me.” (Daily Reflections, pg. 100)
Pride and Fear turned out to be boogeymen, indeed! I was filled with a new sense of confidence as I began to take a true look at who I really am, and why I do what I do. Taking a suggestion I made an appointment with someone to take my Fifth Step and admit to myself, to God, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. What a relief that was- words can’t describe it!
- Marshall K.
I worked the steps as best as I could by myself. (They say in AA that whoever sponsors himself has a fool for a sponsor). Just as the Big Book describes it, and got to step four when my pride and ego slammed on the brakes, “Surely, there is an easier, softer way…?” it said. While my step work came to a halt, I continued on my journey for peace, serenity and recovery. I got involved with some other programs the prison had to offer and continued going to meetings, but I knew I had a lot more work to do.
I was transferred to Pickaway Correctional Institution and discovered there a fully functional community of people in recovery and an AA group that was flourishing. I recommitted myself to my step work, and began looking for a sponsor- there had been no AA sponsorship available in the prison I came from. I dove into recovery head first ignoring the warning signs ”Easy does it,” and nearly knocked myself out of it. Fell time and time again, but pressed on because my desire to get better and stay sober was greater than my desire to quit.
“So when AA suggests a fearless moral inventory, it must seem to every new comer that more is being asked of him than he can do. Both his pride and fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself, pride says, “You need not pass this way,” Fear says, “You dare not look!” But the testimony of AA’s who have really tried a moral inventory is that pride and fear of this sort turn out to be boogeymen, nothing else.” (Twelve & Twelve pg. 49)
Every time I sat down to work on my Fourth Step, I would get knee deep and decide that I better put it off some more for one reason or another. I never had a problem coming up with an excuse (aren’t addicts the Kings of Excuses?). Before I knew it a year had passed and I was stuck on step four. My contentment started to weigh and I began to relapse emotionally. My pride was in full effect and I justified my actions as my difficulties started to mount. However, I continued to seek God, and continued to work steps 1, 2, & 3 in my life as well as continued to show up & participate in meetings. “Meeting makers, make it!” And I finally took some suggestions – and just did it!
“Step Four is the vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what the liabilities in each of us have been, and are. I want to find exactly how, when, and where my natural desires have warped me. I wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and myself. By discovering what my emotional deformities are, I can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for me.” (Daily Reflections, pg. 100)
Pride and Fear turned out to be boogeymen, indeed! I was filled with a new sense of confidence as I began to take a true look at who I really am, and why I do what I do. Taking a suggestion I made an appointment with someone to take my Fifth Step and admit to myself, to God, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. What a relief that was- words can’t describe it!
- Marshall K.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Courage: Step Three
If you’ve humbled yourself enough to admit your powerlessness over alcohol and drugs, and you’ve come to believe that, “yes, there must be a Higher Power out there that can restore me,” Then you’re ready to make a decision. The old timers used to make a man or women who were at this point get on their knees (it’s an act of humbleness and surrender- it really helps. If you’ve never tried it, you should.) in a private bedroom, and pray the Third Step Prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee- to build with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!”
Let the freedom ring! Who knew?! I used to try to so hard to control my life and do what I thought was best for me- which really was me just doing what I wanted to do… And boy was I miserable. It’s said in meetings all the time that “It’s a lot harder to stay drunk and high, that it is to stay sober.” Now, that was a lot of work and all for nothing(Mr. McGhee calls it our “death-style”). Today, I totally understand that I only have to make a decision (be willing) to abandon myself utterly to Him, who has all power, all knowledge, and is everywhere at once, and follow Good Orderly Direction.
“It is when we try to make our will confirm to God’s that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of AA’s Twelve Steps and Step Three opens the door.
Once we have come into agreement with these ideas, it is really easy to begin the practice of Step Three. In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: “God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.” (Twelve &Twelve, Pg. 40-41)
Is my life a bed of roses today? No. Will it ever be? Probably not, but I know that peace and happiness are achievable for me today, no matter what happens, by simply surrendering my life to my creator and living it. I can rest easy knowing that God is in control of my life.
~Marshall K.
Let the freedom ring! Who knew?! I used to try to so hard to control my life and do what I thought was best for me- which really was me just doing what I wanted to do… And boy was I miserable. It’s said in meetings all the time that “It’s a lot harder to stay drunk and high, that it is to stay sober.” Now, that was a lot of work and all for nothing(Mr. McGhee calls it our “death-style”). Today, I totally understand that I only have to make a decision (be willing) to abandon myself utterly to Him, who has all power, all knowledge, and is everywhere at once, and follow Good Orderly Direction.
“It is when we try to make our will confirm to God’s that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of AA’s Twelve Steps and Step Three opens the door.
Once we have come into agreement with these ideas, it is really easy to begin the practice of Step Three. In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: “God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.” (Twelve &Twelve, Pg. 40-41)
Is my life a bed of roses today? No. Will it ever be? Probably not, but I know that peace and happiness are achievable for me today, no matter what happens, by simply surrendering my life to my creator and living it. I can rest easy knowing that God is in control of my life.
~Marshall K.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
STEP 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
"But my friend sat before me, and he made the point blank declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself…Had this power originated in him? Obviously, it had not. There had been no more power in him than there was in me at that minute; and this was none at all. That floored me.” (B.B. pg. 11)
It has been described in AA for a long time that we “came”, then we “come to”, and then we “come to believe.” I believe it happens for many of us like that- gradually. We “came” through the humility we gained in step 1 when we admitted the manageability of our lives and the acceptance of our addiction. We “Came To” through opened mindedness that maybe “our way “wasn’t the best way after all, and that maybe these AA and NA people might be onto something. We “came to” believe that through willingness and faith that something bigger was at work here that can’t be seen that could give us hope again and restore our sanity.
Through this step we are able to participate in the Grace of God, and experience those first rays of serenity. We begin to awaken spirituality. I realized that life is worth living again. And my mental obsessions begin to fade in the light of this clarity. All I have to do is be willing to believe in a power greater than myself. That’s it, and I’m on my way to true life.
“This AA business, I thought, is totally unsuccessful. This I can’t swallow. I simply won’t consider such nonsense. Then I woke up, I had to admit that AA showed results, prodigious results. I saw that my attitude regarding these had been anything but sufficient. It wasn’t AA that had the closed mind, it was me. The minute I stopped arguing, I then begun to see and feel. Right there Step 2 gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now. To acquire it, I had only to stop fighting and start practicing AA and the programs as enthusiastically as I could.” (twelve & twelve pg. 27)
Humility, opened mindedness and willingness leads to faith in Step 2; where God’s grace began to be felt or “realized.”
We “Came” through humility, we “Came To” with an opened mind, and we “Came to Believe” through willingness and through faith that something greater was working behind what we cannot see to give us hope and restore sanity.
It has been described in AA for a long time that we “came”, then we “come to”, and then we “come to believe.” I believe it happens for many of us like that- gradually. We “came” through the humility we gained in step 1 when we admitted the manageability of our lives and the acceptance of our addiction. We “Came To” through opened mindedness that maybe “our way “wasn’t the best way after all, and that maybe these AA and NA people might be onto something. We “came to” believe that through willingness and faith that something bigger was at work here that can’t be seen that could give us hope again and restore our sanity.
Through this step we are able to participate in the Grace of God, and experience those first rays of serenity. We begin to awaken spirituality. I realized that life is worth living again. And my mental obsessions begin to fade in the light of this clarity. All I have to do is be willing to believe in a power greater than myself. That’s it, and I’m on my way to true life.
“This AA business, I thought, is totally unsuccessful. This I can’t swallow. I simply won’t consider such nonsense. Then I woke up, I had to admit that AA showed results, prodigious results. I saw that my attitude regarding these had been anything but sufficient. It wasn’t AA that had the closed mind, it was me. The minute I stopped arguing, I then begun to see and feel. Right there Step 2 gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now. To acquire it, I had only to stop fighting and start practicing AA and the programs as enthusiastically as I could.” (twelve & twelve pg. 27)
Humility, opened mindedness and willingness leads to faith in Step 2; where God’s grace began to be felt or “realized.”
We “Came” through humility, we “Came To” with an opened mind, and we “Came to Believe” through willingness and through faith that something greater was working behind what we cannot see to give us hope and restore sanity.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Just Bittin'
I'm doing my bit, only concerned with myself. My addiction in my personal relationships has become, "What have YOU done for ME, lately." My whole purpose now is satisfying my WANTS and desires. My temper is shorter these days, and I'm smiling less. I'm noticing the "flashing yellow" lights in people's eyes that I work with and interact with. And God is trying to get me to realize what is happening through people and situations that are seemingly starting to swirl around me. I need to stop! I have relapsed mentally, and that is what happens to us in recovery way before we have picked up that first drink or drug. It's called "dry drunkeness."
Something is wrong, and I need to check myself, before I wreck myself. I thank God that I'm able to stop myself today, before I carelessly move on wondering what everyone else problem was. Today by the grace of God and the Fellowship of NA and AA, I can recognize my need for assistance. I won't foolishly continue on this path thinking that I have all the answers and that "I'm running this show." I am going to excercise my humility and ask for help and listen... I am taking the cotton out of my ears and putting it in my mouth, and I'm going to take some suggestions from my sponsor and my brothers in recovery.
I understand today that the root to my addictions is self-centeredness, and so long as I'm worried about what I want; I will stay sick. So I'm telling myself, Just for today, I'm going to work my program of recovery. I'm going to focus on what's most important in my Life and I will trust someone in recovery who wants to help me in my journey.
Thank You,
Happy Holidays Everyone,
Marshall Keith
Something is wrong, and I need to check myself, before I wreck myself. I thank God that I'm able to stop myself today, before I carelessly move on wondering what everyone else problem was. Today by the grace of God and the Fellowship of NA and AA, I can recognize my need for assistance. I won't foolishly continue on this path thinking that I have all the answers and that "I'm running this show." I am going to excercise my humility and ask for help and listen... I am taking the cotton out of my ears and putting it in my mouth, and I'm going to take some suggestions from my sponsor and my brothers in recovery.
I understand today that the root to my addictions is self-centeredness, and so long as I'm worried about what I want; I will stay sick. So I'm telling myself, Just for today, I'm going to work my program of recovery. I'm going to focus on what's most important in my Life and I will trust someone in recovery who wants to help me in my journey.
Thank You,
Happy Holidays Everyone,
Marshall Keith
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Giving Thanks
I get a kick out of hearing guys on my block make fun of 12 step groups and recovery services. They say things like, “Recovery Services is a joke” or “I’ll never go to AA in prison, clean time doesn’t even count when you’re locked up. The real test comes when you hit the street.” While they might have a point in saying that we will really be tested when we get out, because that is certainly when the “rubber meets the road”. They are misleading themselves in mocking the very fellowships that will help them stay sober when they are on the outside. If you can’t take time out for AA or NA when you have nothing but time, what makes you think you’re going to do it when you have the responsibilities of life pulling on you from every angle? Let me give you a reality check- It’s not going to happen! Those same people will then say, “Well, I don’t need AA or NA to stay sober. I’ve made up my mind, I’m done.” I can only shake my head and smile. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. Or keep them coming back.
"Acceptance and Faith are capable of producing100 percent sobriety. In fact, they usually do: and they must: else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger and pride."
Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, repeating most of our problems, for a very gradual progress punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our old time attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned. “ (As Bill Sees It, Pg6)
I’m thankful today for the rooms of recovery and the fellowship of AA & NA. They have shown me the true nature of my problems and have provided a hand of support that I’ve recognized my need for. But overall, I’m thankful that God has made it all possible that He has and is doing for me every day, what I cannot do for myself.
Jesus told us over 2,000 years ago, “Without ME you can do nothing.” (John 15:5 NIV)
Let these words sink down into your utmost being and allow them to start to transform your way of thinking.
“Thou hast given so much to me…Give one more thing- A GREATFUL HEART.” - George Herbert
"Acceptance and Faith are capable of producing100 percent sobriety. In fact, they usually do: and they must: else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger and pride."
Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, repeating most of our problems, for a very gradual progress punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our old time attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned. “ (As Bill Sees It, Pg6)
I’m thankful today for the rooms of recovery and the fellowship of AA & NA. They have shown me the true nature of my problems and have provided a hand of support that I’ve recognized my need for. But overall, I’m thankful that God has made it all possible that He has and is doing for me every day, what I cannot do for myself.
Jesus told us over 2,000 years ago, “Without ME you can do nothing.” (John 15:5 NIV)
Let these words sink down into your utmost being and allow them to start to transform your way of thinking.
“Thou hast given so much to me…Give one more thing- A GREATFUL HEART.” - George Herbert
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thank God!
I was watching another inmate who had been in a similar car accident as mine who lost some use of his left arm. (I lost the use of my right arm.) I began to get resentful because he can still use his arm and I can't. It seems childish now as I write this, but I was grumbling to myself, "You lucky son of a gun, at least you can still move your arm." Then, I got one of those thoughts, I just knew was from God,
A friend said to me one day, "Ya, remember so & so, ya know, "Mr. Recovery",... He's back in less than a year." I was in shock. This was a man that mentored me, and that I had a tremendous amount of respect for. I had that feeling you get when someone 'gets over' on you, and I was angry. I just wanted to strangle this guy. I started asking myself, "Why am I so angry...?" I realized I wasn't angry so much at him but at myself, because I am that guy. I'm an addict too. God again reminded me, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy," and I am the one in need of some mercy. To this brother, you know who you are, thank God you have another chance. Many don't get that chance. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves, and I hope you are able to eventually do that. I know you are probably kicking yourself in the butt, but I know this- I forgive you. Now move on- get back on the wagon.
Sometimes I find myself being bitter and getting depressed about being her in prison, and again God checks me, "I'm in control; let me drive this car." I "come to" again and surrender to his will. I thank him for all that he has given me. I'm thankful for even being able to hear when he speaks to my heart and mind.
I'm thankful that I am sober today. I am thankful that my family speaks to me, and is proud of me, again. In the last letter that I received from home, my Dad closed the letter be saying, "Mom and I love you and are proud of the distance you have come as a person. You are starting to mature into a fine young man." Even as I write this, I get choked up. There is no greater feeling in the world than to know my parents are proud of me. It seems just like yesterday that I was the biggest disappointment to them. I felt like I would never amount to anything, and would never be able to honor them. I am thankful that God has answered that prayer of mine- to be able to honor my parents again by living right. He has answered that even while I am here in prison. And for that I am forever grateful.
-Marshall Keith
He's lucky to be alive... and so are you.I was immediately humbled, and I thanked God that I AM still alive. I understand that today I still have a chance to live and breathe and move. Everyday that I wake up, I have a whole new set of opportunities laid out in front of me to do the next right thing.
A friend said to me one day, "Ya, remember so & so, ya know, "Mr. Recovery",... He's back in less than a year." I was in shock. This was a man that mentored me, and that I had a tremendous amount of respect for. I had that feeling you get when someone 'gets over' on you, and I was angry. I just wanted to strangle this guy. I started asking myself, "Why am I so angry...?" I realized I wasn't angry so much at him but at myself, because I am that guy. I'm an addict too. God again reminded me, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy," and I am the one in need of some mercy. To this brother, you know who you are, thank God you have another chance. Many don't get that chance. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves, and I hope you are able to eventually do that. I know you are probably kicking yourself in the butt, but I know this- I forgive you. Now move on- get back on the wagon.
Sometimes I find myself being bitter and getting depressed about being her in prison, and again God checks me, "I'm in control; let me drive this car." I "come to" again and surrender to his will. I thank him for all that he has given me. I'm thankful for even being able to hear when he speaks to my heart and mind.
I'm thankful that I am sober today. I am thankful that my family speaks to me, and is proud of me, again. In the last letter that I received from home, my Dad closed the letter be saying, "Mom and I love you and are proud of the distance you have come as a person. You are starting to mature into a fine young man." Even as I write this, I get choked up. There is no greater feeling in the world than to know my parents are proud of me. It seems just like yesterday that I was the biggest disappointment to them. I felt like I would never amount to anything, and would never be able to honor them. I am thankful that God has answered that prayer of mine- to be able to honor my parents again by living right. He has answered that even while I am here in prison. And for that I am forever grateful.
-Marshall Keith
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