Made a Decision

"Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong." -As Bill Sees It
Iv'e Always been somewhat of a loner. Even before I was ever incarcerated, I felt like an outcast, like I just didn't fit in anywhere. I was always great at starting up friendships, but always found a reason to distance myself and isolate myself. it seemed like my friends and family never lived up to my expectations, and I let them know it by drinking and using. For that matter, life never seemed to be up to my standards either. So, i drank and used while I said "F@%# the world!" My belief was that i was only hurting myself.
I would have moments of clarity, realizing that my addictions were in fact hurting those around me. Those closest to me would reach out to help, but either accused them of ulterior motives or pushed them away because I wasn't ready to change. I would find myself feeling so lonely,as if everyone had turned their back on me. When in reality it was I who had turned my back on them in my selfishness.
When I first decided to change, and try the rooms of recovery, I didn't understand fully what people meant when they talked about the "fellowship". I was so use to doing things by myself, and being alone. I wanted to just "work the steps", and go on about my life without drinking and doing drugs. Why would I need the help of other addicts? Isn't that like the blind leading the bind? I really didn't like people. In reality, I didn't like myself. I continued to struggle with this type of thinking for over a year. I came to prison and finally truly surrendered to God and said, "Your will not mine be done". This freed my mind enough to objectively look at how "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another" is at the core of every recovery. I can't stay sober by myself. I have to give it away. It's the age old principle that is more blessed to give than to receive. I used to think that I just wanted to be left alone. I've come to realize that loneliness is my enemy, and I'm grateful to the fellowship that I don't have to be alone anymore. I've come to realize, that I need other addicts just as much as they need me. So as we celebrate Independence day, Remember that recovery is not independent but interdependent.