Giving Thanks

I get a kick out of hearing guys on my block make fun of 12 step groups and recovery services. They say things like, “Recovery Services is a joke” or “I’ll never go to AA in prison, clean time doesn’t even count when you’re locked up. The real test comes when you hit the street.” While they might have a point in saying that we will really be tested when we get out, because that is certainly when the “rubber meets the road”. They are misleading themselves in mocking the very fellowships that will help them stay sober when they are on the outside. If you can’t take time out for AA or NA when you have nothing but time, what makes you think you’re going to do it when you have the responsibilities of life pulling on you from every angle? Let me give you a reality check- It’s not going to happen! Those same people will then say, “Well, I don’t need AA or NA to stay sober. I’ve made up my mind, I’m done.” I can only shake my head and smile. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. Or keep them coming back.

"Acceptance and Faith are capable of producing100 percent sobriety. In fact, they usually do: and they must: else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger and pride."

Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, repeating most of our problems, for a very gradual progress punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our old time attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned. “ (As Bill Sees It, Pg6)

I’m thankful today for the rooms of recovery and the fellowship of AA & NA. They have shown me the true nature of my problems and have provided a hand of support that I’ve recognized my need for. But overall, I’m thankful that God has made it all possible that He has and is doing for me every day, what I cannot do for myself.

Jesus told us over 2,000 years ago, “Without ME you can do nothing.” (John 15:5 NIV)
Let these words sink down into your utmost being and allow them to start to transform your way of thinking.

“Thou hast given so much to me…Give one more thing- A GREATFUL HEART.” - George Herbert

Thank God!

I was watching another inmate who had been in a similar car accident as mine who lost some use of his left arm. (I lost the use of my right arm.) I began to get resentful because he can still use his arm and I can't. It seems childish now as I write this, but I was grumbling to myself, "You lucky son of a gun, at least you can still move your arm." Then, I got one of those thoughts, I just knew was from God,

He's lucky to be alive... and so are you.

I was immediately humbled, and I thanked God that I AM still alive. I understand that today I still have a chance to live and breathe and move. Everyday that I wake up, I have a whole new set of opportunities laid out in front of me to do the next right thing.

A friend said to me one day, "Ya, remember so & so, ya know, "Mr. Recovery",... He's back in less than a year." I was in shock. This was a man that mentored me, and that I had a tremendous amount of respect for. I had that feeling you get when someone 'gets over' on you, and I was angry. I just wanted to strangle this guy. I started asking myself, "Why am I so angry...?" I realized I wasn't angry so much at him but at myself, because I am that guy. I'm an addict too. God again reminded me, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy," and I am the one in need of some mercy. To this brother, you know who you are, thank God you have another chance. Many don't get that chance. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves, and I hope you are able to eventually do that. I know you are probably kicking yourself in the butt, but I know this- I forgive you. Now move on- get back on the wagon.

Sometimes I find myself being bitter and getting depressed about being her in prison, and again God checks me, "I'm in control; let me drive this car." I "come to" again and surrender to his will. I thank him for all that he has given me. I'm thankful for even being able to hear when he speaks to my heart and mind.

I'm thankful that I am sober today. I am thankful that my family speaks to me, and is proud of me, again. In the last letter that I received from home, my Dad closed the letter be saying, "Mom and I love you and are proud of the distance you have come as a person. You are starting to mature into a fine young man." Even as I write this, I get choked up. There is no greater feeling in the world than to know my parents are proud of me. It seems just like yesterday that I was the biggest disappointment to them. I felt like I would never amount to anything, and would never be able to honor them. I am thankful that God has answered that prayer of mine- to be able to honor my parents again by living right. He has answered that even while I am here in prison. And for that I am forever grateful.

-Marshall Keith

First Things First

" Let us resist the proud assumption that since God has enabled us to do well in one area, we are destined to be a channel of saving grace for everybody." -From AA Comes of Age

I have been sober since April 13, 2008. My head is free from any mind-altering substances, and I have been working a program of recovery that has helped me get honest with myself and others. But for the Grace of God, I am sober today and continuing to try to do the next right thing.

I used to think, early on in recovery, that when I got two years sober I would be free from all those thoughts and cravings, and my thought life would be back to normal. Of course, I have come to realize that our disease uses our thoughts more than anything against us.

I still have user dreams and I still get crazy thoughts from left field. Today, I try to think those thoughts all the way through, to the point of hopelessness, where I was homeless, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, and wishing for the end. I also still utilize the serenity prayer, daily, as many times as I need to.

There are still times that I have this thing "licked" or that I know all the answers to life and should go into psychiatry. At these times, I look to open my Big Book to page 85, "It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels... What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the spiritual condition... not my will but thine be done." Pride is a subtle foe, which, if left unchecked will separate me from God- that is the beginning of the end. I am, only, who I am today, by the grace of God. We carry the message to the still suffering addict as He wills and directs.

I don't live in yesterday, I don't live in tomorrow, but I live in today. And for that I am grateful.

-Marshall K.

"Willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable." - AA Big Book, Appendix II, Spiritual Experience

A Mother's Prayers

I was raised in a decent home. My parents are still married, and they never drank or used drugs. My father was a minister for my entire life. My mom always wanted me looking my best, and acting my best. She was so proud of me. However, somewhere along the line, I started acting up. My mom's smiles started turning to frowns. I started being disrespectful and rebellious. Soon thereafter I discovered drugs and alcohol, and thus I began my downward spiral.
When I was 17, my parents were awoken in the middle of the night by a phone call from the sheriff's department informing them that their son was in Intensive Care and that they should get to the hospital as soon as possible. I had gotten drunk, stole a car, and wrecked it into a telephone pole going 80 mph without a seat belt. I had to have emergency heart surgery, three blood transfusions, and my right arm was badly damaged. It was a miracle I lived through the accident, and I actually had to be resuscitated a couple of times on the way to the hospital. The accident left my right arm completely paralyzed. I was right handed, but not anymore.
Things got worse before they got better. I had a new drug to abuse when I got out of the hospital, oxycodone. I found out later that my parents were constantly praying for me, and my mother would cry herself to sleep some night over me.
Soon, I had a spiritual experience and I surrendered my life to God. I stopped smoking and using. Life was good for a few years, but I never admitted my powerlessness over my addictions. Eventually, my disease crept back into my life and I found myself in jail again, wondering how I got there and why this was happening to me; (God disciplines those that he loves.) I managed to pull my head out of my butt long enough to surrender my life to God again, and stopped using and drinking. However, I was still in control, and I still never admitted my powerlessness over my addictions.
A few years later, I was back to the races and by now a full fledged alcoholic. God only knows how many hours my mother cried over me.
I was 28 by now, and was introduced to crack for the first time. My downward spiral went from fast to the speed of light. Six months later I was robbing a gas station for $150 bucks. I'm here in prison doing a five piece over that. My mom had a nervous breakdown when I was sentenced. I wasn't completely responsible for that but, but I am sure I had something to do with it. We hurt everyone that loves us when we choose to be selfish and self-centered in our addiction.
I lied to myself for a long time, thinking I was only hurting myself. Now, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and watching my family suffer along with me. Now my Father is dying and needing a second kidney transplant and in the hospital about to get open heart surgery for five blockages in his heart. At a time when my family needs me the most, my choices have separated me from them and I can't be there to support them. This situation is out of my control, and the best I can do for them now is to focus on my recovery and pray for them. My goal is to bring tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow to my mother's eyes. I want my Dad to know before he dies that his son was doing the best he could and the next right thing . By the grace of God, I am living one day at a time and my Mother's Prayers are being answered.

Letting Go

"It's my way or the highway" was my motto, and quite often I was on the highway. This type of thinking is the root to my self-centered behavior. I knew what was best for me, no one told me what to do. When life reminded me who was really in control, with those bricks that occasionally whacked me upside my heard head, I turned to medication. Now that was something I could control. Right? Well, at least I thought I was in control.

"If it wasn't for those damn (fill in the blank)." Nothing was ever my fault. Eventually standing before a judge and facing jail time,I finally realized that I messed up somewhere, and even that was someone else's fault. "Well, next time, I'm Not going to touch alcohol or cocaine, I'll just smoke weed." That type of thinking is still me trying to control things or as one of our AA leads said "I like playing God". I want to control everything, and the more I try, the more things spiral out of control.

When I first entered the rooms of recovery, a NA member tried to illustrate to me what step three looked like. She gave me a rock and told me to hold it in my hand with a closed fist and said "That is us holding on to our old ideas and thinking." When we take step two- becoming aware that a force greater than ourselves could return us to sanity, that is opening your fist and loosening your grip on the rock, but the rock is still in your hand. This allows us to easily take our problems and lives back in our control. Taking step three, we turn our hands OVER, letting the rock fall. This is surrender. Our hands are free from the rock and that is our sanity. By the grace of God, I now understand today that most of my problems are the result of my faulty thinking and attitudes. I use to blame circumstances, people, and things. I've learned to let the blame rest squarely on my shoulders where it belongs, and what a heavy weight it is!

However, using the third step I no longer have to carry that weight, my higher power does. When I try to carry that weight, instead of making any progress, I add to the weight. My best thinking and actions leave a path of destruction and misery. So today, I make a conscious decision to "Let Go" of my problems, of my worries, of my relationships, and of my life. "The man who loves his life will loose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life". (John 12:25 NIV)

As I practice step three daily, because it is not a step that is only taken once, I am beginning to find a life that I didn't know existed on the streets during my sickness.

Made a Decision

"Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong." -As Bill Sees It
Iv'e Always been somewhat of a loner. Even before I was ever incarcerated, I felt like an outcast, like I just didn't fit in anywhere. I was always great at starting up friendships, but always found a reason to distance myself and isolate myself. it seemed like my friends and family never lived up to my expectations, and I let them know it by drinking and using. For that matter, life never seemed to be up to my standards either. So, i drank and used while I said "F@%# the world!" My belief was that i was only hurting myself.
I would have moments of clarity, realizing that my addictions were in fact hurting those around me. Those closest to me would reach out to help, but either accused them of ulterior motives or pushed them away because I wasn't ready to change. I would find myself feeling so lonely,as if everyone had turned their back on me. When in reality it was I who had turned my back on them in my selfishness.
When I first decided to change, and try the rooms of recovery, I didn't understand fully what people meant when they talked about the "fellowship". I was so use to doing things by myself, and being alone. I wanted to just "work the steps", and go on about my life without drinking and doing drugs. Why would I need the help of other addicts? Isn't that like the blind leading the bind? I really didn't like people. In reality, I didn't like myself. I continued to struggle with this type of thinking for over a year. I came to prison and finally truly surrendered to God and said, "Your will not mine be done". This freed my mind enough to objectively look at how "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another" is at the core of every recovery. I can't stay sober by myself. I have to give it away. It's the age old principle that is more blessed to give than to receive. I used to think that I just wanted to be left alone. I've come to realize that loneliness is my enemy, and I'm grateful to the fellowship that I don't have to be alone anymore. I've come to realize, that I need other addicts just as much as they need me. So as we celebrate Independence day, Remember that recovery is not independent but interdependent.