Today is a good day! I was able to share my story with the listeners of a Radio Broadcast from Addiction of Hope broadcasted on 95.9 interviewed by Michelle L. Beyer. I have attached the audio above. Thank you for listening.
MLK
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Marshall Keith Interview on 95.9 Addiction of Hope 11/13/14
November 13, 2014
Today is a good day! I was able to share my story with the listeners of a Radio Broadcast from Addiction of Hope broadcasted on 95.9 interviewed by Michelle L. Beyer. I have attached the audio above. Thank you for listening.
MLK
Today is a good day! I was able to share my story with the listeners of a Radio Broadcast from Addiction of Hope broadcasted on 95.9 interviewed by Michelle L. Beyer. I have attached the audio above. Thank you for listening.
MLK
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Step 6
We’re entirely ready for God to remove all of these defects of character.
After working through step four and five I have a better view of the root of my addictions- my self-centeredness! They say in AA that our problem is ourselves, and we have to take us wherever we go. And each day that passes I ask God to “relieve me of the bondage of self” I get a better picture of who I am in God’s eyes. I like the way David worked his program of recovery, “how can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” (Psalm 19:12-14 NLT)
In order to work step 6 I have to realize that one day with God’s peace and serenity and love in my heart is better than a thousand in the streets of addiction, pride, and selfishness. And if giving up my self to him which includes all my character defects, my secret sins, my guilty pleasures, my defense mechanisms, means that I get to continue on his strength, peace, and joy then I AM entirely ready for God to remove all of those defects of character.
“A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else” I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live in the good life in the house of the wicked.” (Psalm 84:10 NLT)
I lied to you
I cheated you
I stole from you
I manipulated you
I played you
You forgave me
You supported me
You told me the truth
You encouraged me
You loved me
And for that
“I love with the love of the Lord.
I can see in you the glory of my King,
And I love you with the love of the Lord.”
Thank you for saving my life.
~Marshall K.
After working through step four and five I have a better view of the root of my addictions- my self-centeredness! They say in AA that our problem is ourselves, and we have to take us wherever we go. And each day that passes I ask God to “relieve me of the bondage of self” I get a better picture of who I am in God’s eyes. I like the way David worked his program of recovery, “how can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” (Psalm 19:12-14 NLT)
In order to work step 6 I have to realize that one day with God’s peace and serenity and love in my heart is better than a thousand in the streets of addiction, pride, and selfishness. And if giving up my self to him which includes all my character defects, my secret sins, my guilty pleasures, my defense mechanisms, means that I get to continue on his strength, peace, and joy then I AM entirely ready for God to remove all of those defects of character.
“A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else” I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live in the good life in the house of the wicked.” (Psalm 84:10 NLT)
I lied to you
I cheated you
I stole from you
I manipulated you
I played you
You forgave me
You supported me
You told me the truth
You encouraged me
You loved me
And for that
“I love with the love of the Lord.
I can see in you the glory of my King,
And I love you with the love of the Lord.”
Thank you for saving my life.
~Marshall K.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Untitled
Happy Belated Mother’s Day Everyone! I am no longer writing for the Pickaway Correctional Institution’s (PCI) newsletter, as I have been moved to Marion Correctional Institution (MCI) and have been placed into their “camp”, which is their minimum security facility. I am about two hours or so closer to home. These “updates” will be targeted more towards my blog readers and less towards my fellow inmates via the Recovery Services Newsletter. My awesome sister had just been posting my newsletter articles for me every month and now I will be writing for the blog. I recently had a visit with some dear family friends, the Nobles, and they were under the impression that I was posting the updates to the blog from within the “walls”, so I thought I might let you in on the secret too- Rachel, my sister posts these for me via snail mail! Thanks Rach! She’s a trooper, especially because my hand writing is awful! I have actually only seen what the blog looks like from a screen print she has sent me months and months ago. In 21 more months I’ll get to type my updates myself, until then…Thanks, Sis!
In AA, they say, “You’re only as sick as your secrets. “The longer I keep skeletons in my closet, the longer I live with shame and guilt. This begins May, I like to take a look at the step of the Month 5 “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” This step requires honesty, true humility, and willingness. After working step 4; I couldn’t wait to tell on myself, because I could see the freedom at the end of the “tunnel”. There is no real freedom without confession, what a relief it is to finally give up the weight of my lies and excuses. When I confess my sins, I find the internal peace I lost so long ago. I am also one step closer on my journey to recovery. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:19) NIV
-Marshall K.
In AA, they say, “You’re only as sick as your secrets. “The longer I keep skeletons in my closet, the longer I live with shame and guilt. This begins May, I like to take a look at the step of the Month 5 “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” This step requires honesty, true humility, and willingness. After working step 4; I couldn’t wait to tell on myself, because I could see the freedom at the end of the “tunnel”. There is no real freedom without confession, what a relief it is to finally give up the weight of my lies and excuses. When I confess my sins, I find the internal peace I lost so long ago. I am also one step closer on my journey to recovery. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:19) NIV
-Marshall K.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Take a "Fourth" or drink a Fifth!
I first started seriously working the steps after I received my Big Book from World Services in '09. I was in Belmont Correctional Institution, better known to us inmates as “Gladiator School”, and I hadn’t even been down 6 months and I was desperately hopeless, and starving for some peace & serenity. I found hope in AA and I remembered from the meeting on the street that the program really does work, if you work it, I had been heavenly involved with religion there as well, and found a level of comfort in it, but I knew I needed to do something about my addictions. So I wrote Alcoholics Anonymous World Services in New York and explained my situation. They sent me a Big Book and some AA literature and I was on my way.
I worked the steps as best as I could by myself. (They say in AA that whoever sponsors himself has a fool for a sponsor). Just as the Big Book describes it, and got to step four when my pride and ego slammed on the brakes, “Surely, there is an easier, softer way…?” it said. While my step work came to a halt, I continued on my journey for peace, serenity and recovery. I got involved with some other programs the prison had to offer and continued going to meetings, but I knew I had a lot more work to do.
I was transferred to Pickaway Correctional Institution and discovered there a fully functional community of people in recovery and an AA group that was flourishing. I recommitted myself to my step work, and began looking for a sponsor- there had been no AA sponsorship available in the prison I came from. I dove into recovery head first ignoring the warning signs ”Easy does it,” and nearly knocked myself out of it. Fell time and time again, but pressed on because my desire to get better and stay sober was greater than my desire to quit.
“So when AA suggests a fearless moral inventory, it must seem to every new comer that more is being asked of him than he can do. Both his pride and fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself, pride says, “You need not pass this way,” Fear says, “You dare not look!” But the testimony of AA’s who have really tried a moral inventory is that pride and fear of this sort turn out to be boogeymen, nothing else.” (Twelve & Twelve pg. 49)
Every time I sat down to work on my Fourth Step, I would get knee deep and decide that I better put it off some more for one reason or another. I never had a problem coming up with an excuse (aren’t addicts the Kings of Excuses?). Before I knew it a year had passed and I was stuck on step four. My contentment started to weigh and I began to relapse emotionally. My pride was in full effect and I justified my actions as my difficulties started to mount. However, I continued to seek God, and continued to work steps 1, 2, & 3 in my life as well as continued to show up & participate in meetings. “Meeting makers, make it!” And I finally took some suggestions – and just did it!
“Step Four is the vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what the liabilities in each of us have been, and are. I want to find exactly how, when, and where my natural desires have warped me. I wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and myself. By discovering what my emotional deformities are, I can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for me.” (Daily Reflections, pg. 100)
Pride and Fear turned out to be boogeymen, indeed! I was filled with a new sense of confidence as I began to take a true look at who I really am, and why I do what I do. Taking a suggestion I made an appointment with someone to take my Fifth Step and admit to myself, to God, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. What a relief that was- words can’t describe it!
- Marshall K.
I worked the steps as best as I could by myself. (They say in AA that whoever sponsors himself has a fool for a sponsor). Just as the Big Book describes it, and got to step four when my pride and ego slammed on the brakes, “Surely, there is an easier, softer way…?” it said. While my step work came to a halt, I continued on my journey for peace, serenity and recovery. I got involved with some other programs the prison had to offer and continued going to meetings, but I knew I had a lot more work to do.
I was transferred to Pickaway Correctional Institution and discovered there a fully functional community of people in recovery and an AA group that was flourishing. I recommitted myself to my step work, and began looking for a sponsor- there had been no AA sponsorship available in the prison I came from. I dove into recovery head first ignoring the warning signs ”Easy does it,” and nearly knocked myself out of it. Fell time and time again, but pressed on because my desire to get better and stay sober was greater than my desire to quit.
“So when AA suggests a fearless moral inventory, it must seem to every new comer that more is being asked of him than he can do. Both his pride and fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself, pride says, “You need not pass this way,” Fear says, “You dare not look!” But the testimony of AA’s who have really tried a moral inventory is that pride and fear of this sort turn out to be boogeymen, nothing else.” (Twelve & Twelve pg. 49)
Every time I sat down to work on my Fourth Step, I would get knee deep and decide that I better put it off some more for one reason or another. I never had a problem coming up with an excuse (aren’t addicts the Kings of Excuses?). Before I knew it a year had passed and I was stuck on step four. My contentment started to weigh and I began to relapse emotionally. My pride was in full effect and I justified my actions as my difficulties started to mount. However, I continued to seek God, and continued to work steps 1, 2, & 3 in my life as well as continued to show up & participate in meetings. “Meeting makers, make it!” And I finally took some suggestions – and just did it!
“Step Four is the vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what the liabilities in each of us have been, and are. I want to find exactly how, when, and where my natural desires have warped me. I wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and myself. By discovering what my emotional deformities are, I can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for me.” (Daily Reflections, pg. 100)
Pride and Fear turned out to be boogeymen, indeed! I was filled with a new sense of confidence as I began to take a true look at who I really am, and why I do what I do. Taking a suggestion I made an appointment with someone to take my Fifth Step and admit to myself, to God, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. What a relief that was- words can’t describe it!
- Marshall K.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Courage: Step Three
If you’ve humbled yourself enough to admit your powerlessness over alcohol and drugs, and you’ve come to believe that, “yes, there must be a Higher Power out there that can restore me,” Then you’re ready to make a decision. The old timers used to make a man or women who were at this point get on their knees (it’s an act of humbleness and surrender- it really helps. If you’ve never tried it, you should.) in a private bedroom, and pray the Third Step Prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee- to build with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!”
Let the freedom ring! Who knew?! I used to try to so hard to control my life and do what I thought was best for me- which really was me just doing what I wanted to do… And boy was I miserable. It’s said in meetings all the time that “It’s a lot harder to stay drunk and high, that it is to stay sober.” Now, that was a lot of work and all for nothing(Mr. McGhee calls it our “death-style”). Today, I totally understand that I only have to make a decision (be willing) to abandon myself utterly to Him, who has all power, all knowledge, and is everywhere at once, and follow Good Orderly Direction.
“It is when we try to make our will confirm to God’s that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of AA’s Twelve Steps and Step Three opens the door.
Once we have come into agreement with these ideas, it is really easy to begin the practice of Step Three. In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: “God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.” (Twelve &Twelve, Pg. 40-41)
Is my life a bed of roses today? No. Will it ever be? Probably not, but I know that peace and happiness are achievable for me today, no matter what happens, by simply surrendering my life to my creator and living it. I can rest easy knowing that God is in control of my life.
~Marshall K.
Let the freedom ring! Who knew?! I used to try to so hard to control my life and do what I thought was best for me- which really was me just doing what I wanted to do… And boy was I miserable. It’s said in meetings all the time that “It’s a lot harder to stay drunk and high, that it is to stay sober.” Now, that was a lot of work and all for nothing(Mr. McGhee calls it our “death-style”). Today, I totally understand that I only have to make a decision (be willing) to abandon myself utterly to Him, who has all power, all knowledge, and is everywhere at once, and follow Good Orderly Direction.
“It is when we try to make our will confirm to God’s that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of AA’s Twelve Steps and Step Three opens the door.
Once we have come into agreement with these ideas, it is really easy to begin the practice of Step Three. In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: “God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.” (Twelve &Twelve, Pg. 40-41)
Is my life a bed of roses today? No. Will it ever be? Probably not, but I know that peace and happiness are achievable for me today, no matter what happens, by simply surrendering my life to my creator and living it. I can rest easy knowing that God is in control of my life.
~Marshall K.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
STEP 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
"But my friend sat before me, and he made the point blank declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself…Had this power originated in him? Obviously, it had not. There had been no more power in him than there was in me at that minute; and this was none at all. That floored me.” (B.B. pg. 11)
It has been described in AA for a long time that we “came”, then we “come to”, and then we “come to believe.” I believe it happens for many of us like that- gradually. We “came” through the humility we gained in step 1 when we admitted the manageability of our lives and the acceptance of our addiction. We “Came To” through opened mindedness that maybe “our way “wasn’t the best way after all, and that maybe these AA and NA people might be onto something. We “came to” believe that through willingness and faith that something bigger was at work here that can’t be seen that could give us hope again and restore our sanity.
Through this step we are able to participate in the Grace of God, and experience those first rays of serenity. We begin to awaken spirituality. I realized that life is worth living again. And my mental obsessions begin to fade in the light of this clarity. All I have to do is be willing to believe in a power greater than myself. That’s it, and I’m on my way to true life.
“This AA business, I thought, is totally unsuccessful. This I can’t swallow. I simply won’t consider such nonsense. Then I woke up, I had to admit that AA showed results, prodigious results. I saw that my attitude regarding these had been anything but sufficient. It wasn’t AA that had the closed mind, it was me. The minute I stopped arguing, I then begun to see and feel. Right there Step 2 gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now. To acquire it, I had only to stop fighting and start practicing AA and the programs as enthusiastically as I could.” (twelve & twelve pg. 27)
Humility, opened mindedness and willingness leads to faith in Step 2; where God’s grace began to be felt or “realized.”
We “Came” through humility, we “Came To” with an opened mind, and we “Came to Believe” through willingness and through faith that something greater was working behind what we cannot see to give us hope and restore sanity.
It has been described in AA for a long time that we “came”, then we “come to”, and then we “come to believe.” I believe it happens for many of us like that- gradually. We “came” through the humility we gained in step 1 when we admitted the manageability of our lives and the acceptance of our addiction. We “Came To” through opened mindedness that maybe “our way “wasn’t the best way after all, and that maybe these AA and NA people might be onto something. We “came to” believe that through willingness and faith that something bigger was at work here that can’t be seen that could give us hope again and restore our sanity.
Through this step we are able to participate in the Grace of God, and experience those first rays of serenity. We begin to awaken spirituality. I realized that life is worth living again. And my mental obsessions begin to fade in the light of this clarity. All I have to do is be willing to believe in a power greater than myself. That’s it, and I’m on my way to true life.
“This AA business, I thought, is totally unsuccessful. This I can’t swallow. I simply won’t consider such nonsense. Then I woke up, I had to admit that AA showed results, prodigious results. I saw that my attitude regarding these had been anything but sufficient. It wasn’t AA that had the closed mind, it was me. The minute I stopped arguing, I then begun to see and feel. Right there Step 2 gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now. To acquire it, I had only to stop fighting and start practicing AA and the programs as enthusiastically as I could.” (twelve & twelve pg. 27)
Humility, opened mindedness and willingness leads to faith in Step 2; where God’s grace began to be felt or “realized.”
We “Came” through humility, we “Came To” with an opened mind, and we “Came to Believe” through willingness and through faith that something greater was working behind what we cannot see to give us hope and restore sanity.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Just Bittin'
I'm doing my bit, only concerned with myself. My addiction in my personal relationships has become, "What have YOU done for ME, lately." My whole purpose now is satisfying my WANTS and desires. My temper is shorter these days, and I'm smiling less. I'm noticing the "flashing yellow" lights in people's eyes that I work with and interact with. And God is trying to get me to realize what is happening through people and situations that are seemingly starting to swirl around me. I need to stop! I have relapsed mentally, and that is what happens to us in recovery way before we have picked up that first drink or drug. It's called "dry drunkeness."
Something is wrong, and I need to check myself, before I wreck myself. I thank God that I'm able to stop myself today, before I carelessly move on wondering what everyone else problem was. Today by the grace of God and the Fellowship of NA and AA, I can recognize my need for assistance. I won't foolishly continue on this path thinking that I have all the answers and that "I'm running this show." I am going to excercise my humility and ask for help and listen... I am taking the cotton out of my ears and putting it in my mouth, and I'm going to take some suggestions from my sponsor and my brothers in recovery.
I understand today that the root to my addictions is self-centeredness, and so long as I'm worried about what I want; I will stay sick. So I'm telling myself, Just for today, I'm going to work my program of recovery. I'm going to focus on what's most important in my Life and I will trust someone in recovery who wants to help me in my journey.
Thank You,
Happy Holidays Everyone,
Marshall Keith
Something is wrong, and I need to check myself, before I wreck myself. I thank God that I'm able to stop myself today, before I carelessly move on wondering what everyone else problem was. Today by the grace of God and the Fellowship of NA and AA, I can recognize my need for assistance. I won't foolishly continue on this path thinking that I have all the answers and that "I'm running this show." I am going to excercise my humility and ask for help and listen... I am taking the cotton out of my ears and putting it in my mouth, and I'm going to take some suggestions from my sponsor and my brothers in recovery.
I understand today that the root to my addictions is self-centeredness, and so long as I'm worried about what I want; I will stay sick. So I'm telling myself, Just for today, I'm going to work my program of recovery. I'm going to focus on what's most important in my Life and I will trust someone in recovery who wants to help me in my journey.
Thank You,
Happy Holidays Everyone,
Marshall Keith
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Giving Thanks
I get a kick out of hearing guys on my block make fun of 12 step groups and recovery services. They say things like, “Recovery Services is a joke” or “I’ll never go to AA in prison, clean time doesn’t even count when you’re locked up. The real test comes when you hit the street.” While they might have a point in saying that we will really be tested when we get out, because that is certainly when the “rubber meets the road”. They are misleading themselves in mocking the very fellowships that will help them stay sober when they are on the outside. If you can’t take time out for AA or NA when you have nothing but time, what makes you think you’re going to do it when you have the responsibilities of life pulling on you from every angle? Let me give you a reality check- It’s not going to happen! Those same people will then say, “Well, I don’t need AA or NA to stay sober. I’ve made up my mind, I’m done.” I can only shake my head and smile. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. Or keep them coming back.
"Acceptance and Faith are capable of producing100 percent sobriety. In fact, they usually do: and they must: else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger and pride."
Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, repeating most of our problems, for a very gradual progress punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our old time attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned. “ (As Bill Sees It, Pg6)
I’m thankful today for the rooms of recovery and the fellowship of AA & NA. They have shown me the true nature of my problems and have provided a hand of support that I’ve recognized my need for. But overall, I’m thankful that God has made it all possible that He has and is doing for me every day, what I cannot do for myself.
Jesus told us over 2,000 years ago, “Without ME you can do nothing.” (John 15:5 NIV)
Let these words sink down into your utmost being and allow them to start to transform your way of thinking.
“Thou hast given so much to me…Give one more thing- A GREATFUL HEART.” - George Herbert
"Acceptance and Faith are capable of producing100 percent sobriety. In fact, they usually do: and they must: else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger and pride."
Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, repeating most of our problems, for a very gradual progress punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our old time attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned. “ (As Bill Sees It, Pg6)
I’m thankful today for the rooms of recovery and the fellowship of AA & NA. They have shown me the true nature of my problems and have provided a hand of support that I’ve recognized my need for. But overall, I’m thankful that God has made it all possible that He has and is doing for me every day, what I cannot do for myself.
Jesus told us over 2,000 years ago, “Without ME you can do nothing.” (John 15:5 NIV)
Let these words sink down into your utmost being and allow them to start to transform your way of thinking.
“Thou hast given so much to me…Give one more thing- A GREATFUL HEART.” - George Herbert
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thank God!
I was watching another inmate who had been in a similar car accident as mine who lost some use of his left arm. (I lost the use of my right arm.) I began to get resentful because he can still use his arm and I can't. It seems childish now as I write this, but I was grumbling to myself, "You lucky son of a gun, at least you can still move your arm." Then, I got one of those thoughts, I just knew was from God,
A friend said to me one day, "Ya, remember so & so, ya know, "Mr. Recovery",... He's back in less than a year." I was in shock. This was a man that mentored me, and that I had a tremendous amount of respect for. I had that feeling you get when someone 'gets over' on you, and I was angry. I just wanted to strangle this guy. I started asking myself, "Why am I so angry...?" I realized I wasn't angry so much at him but at myself, because I am that guy. I'm an addict too. God again reminded me, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy," and I am the one in need of some mercy. To this brother, you know who you are, thank God you have another chance. Many don't get that chance. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves, and I hope you are able to eventually do that. I know you are probably kicking yourself in the butt, but I know this- I forgive you. Now move on- get back on the wagon.
Sometimes I find myself being bitter and getting depressed about being her in prison, and again God checks me, "I'm in control; let me drive this car." I "come to" again and surrender to his will. I thank him for all that he has given me. I'm thankful for even being able to hear when he speaks to my heart and mind.
I'm thankful that I am sober today. I am thankful that my family speaks to me, and is proud of me, again. In the last letter that I received from home, my Dad closed the letter be saying, "Mom and I love you and are proud of the distance you have come as a person. You are starting to mature into a fine young man." Even as I write this, I get choked up. There is no greater feeling in the world than to know my parents are proud of me. It seems just like yesterday that I was the biggest disappointment to them. I felt like I would never amount to anything, and would never be able to honor them. I am thankful that God has answered that prayer of mine- to be able to honor my parents again by living right. He has answered that even while I am here in prison. And for that I am forever grateful.
-Marshall Keith
He's lucky to be alive... and so are you.I was immediately humbled, and I thanked God that I AM still alive. I understand that today I still have a chance to live and breathe and move. Everyday that I wake up, I have a whole new set of opportunities laid out in front of me to do the next right thing.
A friend said to me one day, "Ya, remember so & so, ya know, "Mr. Recovery",... He's back in less than a year." I was in shock. This was a man that mentored me, and that I had a tremendous amount of respect for. I had that feeling you get when someone 'gets over' on you, and I was angry. I just wanted to strangle this guy. I started asking myself, "Why am I so angry...?" I realized I wasn't angry so much at him but at myself, because I am that guy. I'm an addict too. God again reminded me, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy," and I am the one in need of some mercy. To this brother, you know who you are, thank God you have another chance. Many don't get that chance. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves, and I hope you are able to eventually do that. I know you are probably kicking yourself in the butt, but I know this- I forgive you. Now move on- get back on the wagon.
Sometimes I find myself being bitter and getting depressed about being her in prison, and again God checks me, "I'm in control; let me drive this car." I "come to" again and surrender to his will. I thank him for all that he has given me. I'm thankful for even being able to hear when he speaks to my heart and mind.
I'm thankful that I am sober today. I am thankful that my family speaks to me, and is proud of me, again. In the last letter that I received from home, my Dad closed the letter be saying, "Mom and I love you and are proud of the distance you have come as a person. You are starting to mature into a fine young man." Even as I write this, I get choked up. There is no greater feeling in the world than to know my parents are proud of me. It seems just like yesterday that I was the biggest disappointment to them. I felt like I would never amount to anything, and would never be able to honor them. I am thankful that God has answered that prayer of mine- to be able to honor my parents again by living right. He has answered that even while I am here in prison. And for that I am forever grateful.
-Marshall Keith
Saturday, August 21, 2010
First Things First
" Let us resist the proud assumption that since God has enabled us to do well in one area, we are destined to be a channel of saving grace for everybody." -From AA Comes of Age
I have been sober since April 13, 2008. My head is free from any mind-altering substances, and I have been working a program of recovery that has helped me get honest with myself and others. But for the Grace of God, I am sober today and continuing to try to do the next right thing.
I used to think, early on in recovery, that when I got two years sober I would be free from all those thoughts and cravings, and my thought life would be back to normal. Of course, I have come to realize that our disease uses our thoughts more than anything against us.
I still have user dreams and I still get crazy thoughts from left field. Today, I try to think those thoughts all the way through, to the point of hopelessness, where I was homeless, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, and wishing for the end. I also still utilize the serenity prayer, daily, as many times as I need to.
There are still times that I have this thing "licked" or that I know all the answers to life and should go into psychiatry. At these times, I look to open my Big Book to page 85, "It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels... What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the spiritual condition... not my will but thine be done." Pride is a subtle foe, which, if left unchecked will separate me from God- that is the beginning of the end. I am, only, who I am today, by the grace of God. We carry the message to the still suffering addict as He wills and directs.
I don't live in yesterday, I don't live in tomorrow, but I live in today. And for that I am grateful.
-Marshall K.
"Willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable." - AA Big Book, Appendix II, Spiritual Experience
I have been sober since April 13, 2008. My head is free from any mind-altering substances, and I have been working a program of recovery that has helped me get honest with myself and others. But for the Grace of God, I am sober today and continuing to try to do the next right thing.
I used to think, early on in recovery, that when I got two years sober I would be free from all those thoughts and cravings, and my thought life would be back to normal. Of course, I have come to realize that our disease uses our thoughts more than anything against us.
I still have user dreams and I still get crazy thoughts from left field. Today, I try to think those thoughts all the way through, to the point of hopelessness, where I was homeless, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, and wishing for the end. I also still utilize the serenity prayer, daily, as many times as I need to.
There are still times that I have this thing "licked" or that I know all the answers to life and should go into psychiatry. At these times, I look to open my Big Book to page 85, "It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels... What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the spiritual condition... not my will but thine be done." Pride is a subtle foe, which, if left unchecked will separate me from God- that is the beginning of the end. I am, only, who I am today, by the grace of God. We carry the message to the still suffering addict as He wills and directs.
I don't live in yesterday, I don't live in tomorrow, but I live in today. And for that I am grateful.
-Marshall K.
"Willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable." - AA Big Book, Appendix II, Spiritual Experience
Saturday, July 24, 2010
A Mother's Prayers
I was raised in a decent home. My parents are still married, and they never drank or used drugs. My father was a minister for my entire life. My mom always wanted me looking my best, and acting my best. She was so proud of me. However, somewhere along the line, I started acting up. My mom's smiles started turning to frowns. I started being disrespectful and rebellious. Soon thereafter I discovered drugs and alcohol, and thus I began my downward spiral.
When I was 17, my parents were awoken in the middle of the night by a phone call from the sheriff's department informing them that their son was in Intensive Care and that they should get to the hospital as soon as possible. I had gotten drunk, stole a car, and wrecked it into a telephone pole going 80 mph without a seat belt. I had to have emergency heart surgery, three blood transfusions, and my right arm was badly damaged. It was a miracle I lived through the accident, and I actually had to be resuscitated a couple of times on the way to the hospital. The accident left my right arm completely paralyzed. I was right handed, but not anymore.
Things got worse before they got better. I had a new drug to abuse when I got out of the hospital, oxycodone. I found out later that my parents were constantly praying for me, and my mother would cry herself to sleep some night over me.
Soon, I had a spiritual experience and I surrendered my life to God. I stopped smoking and using. Life was good for a few years, but I never admitted my powerlessness over my addictions. Eventually, my disease crept back into my life and I found myself in jail again, wondering how I got there and why this was happening to me; (God disciplines those that he loves.) I managed to pull my head out of my butt long enough to surrender my life to God again, and stopped using and drinking. However, I was still in control, and I still never admitted my powerlessness over my addictions.
A few years later, I was back to the races and by now a full fledged alcoholic. God only knows how many hours my mother cried over me.
I was 28 by now, and was introduced to crack for the first time. My downward spiral went from fast to the speed of light. Six months later I was robbing a gas station for $150 bucks. I'm here in prison doing a five piece over that. My mom had a nervous breakdown when I was sentenced. I wasn't completely responsible for that but, but I am sure I had something to do with it. We hurt everyone that loves us when we choose to be selfish and self-centered in our addiction.
I lied to myself for a long time, thinking I was only hurting myself. Now, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and watching my family suffer along with me. Now my Father is dying and needing a second kidney transplant and in the hospital about to get open heart surgery for five blockages in his heart. At a time when my family needs me the most, my choices have separated me from them and I can't be there to support them. This situation is out of my control, and the best I can do for them now is to focus on my recovery and pray for them. My goal is to bring tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow to my mother's eyes. I want my Dad to know before he dies that his son was doing the best he could and the next right thing . By the grace of God, I am living one day at a time and my Mother's Prayers are being answered.
When I was 17, my parents were awoken in the middle of the night by a phone call from the sheriff's department informing them that their son was in Intensive Care and that they should get to the hospital as soon as possible. I had gotten drunk, stole a car, and wrecked it into a telephone pole going 80 mph without a seat belt. I had to have emergency heart surgery, three blood transfusions, and my right arm was badly damaged. It was a miracle I lived through the accident, and I actually had to be resuscitated a couple of times on the way to the hospital. The accident left my right arm completely paralyzed. I was right handed, but not anymore.
Things got worse before they got better. I had a new drug to abuse when I got out of the hospital, oxycodone. I found out later that my parents were constantly praying for me, and my mother would cry herself to sleep some night over me.
Soon, I had a spiritual experience and I surrendered my life to God. I stopped smoking and using. Life was good for a few years, but I never admitted my powerlessness over my addictions. Eventually, my disease crept back into my life and I found myself in jail again, wondering how I got there and why this was happening to me; (God disciplines those that he loves.) I managed to pull my head out of my butt long enough to surrender my life to God again, and stopped using and drinking. However, I was still in control, and I still never admitted my powerlessness over my addictions.
A few years later, I was back to the races and by now a full fledged alcoholic. God only knows how many hours my mother cried over me.
I was 28 by now, and was introduced to crack for the first time. My downward spiral went from fast to the speed of light. Six months later I was robbing a gas station for $150 bucks. I'm here in prison doing a five piece over that. My mom had a nervous breakdown when I was sentenced. I wasn't completely responsible for that but, but I am sure I had something to do with it. We hurt everyone that loves us when we choose to be selfish and self-centered in our addiction.
I lied to myself for a long time, thinking I was only hurting myself. Now, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and watching my family suffer along with me. Now my Father is dying and needing a second kidney transplant and in the hospital about to get open heart surgery for five blockages in his heart. At a time when my family needs me the most, my choices have separated me from them and I can't be there to support them. This situation is out of my control, and the best I can do for them now is to focus on my recovery and pray for them. My goal is to bring tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow to my mother's eyes. I want my Dad to know before he dies that his son was doing the best he could and the next right thing . By the grace of God, I am living one day at a time and my Mother's Prayers are being answered.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Letting Go
"It's my way or the highway" was my motto, and quite often I was on the highway. This type of thinking is the root to my self-centered behavior. I knew what was best for me, no one told me what to do. When life reminded me who was really in control, with those bricks that occasionally whacked me upside my heard head, I turned to medication. Now that was something I could control. Right? Well, at least I thought I was in control.
"If it wasn't for those damn (fill in the blank)." Nothing was ever my fault. Eventually standing before a judge and facing jail time,I finally realized that I messed up somewhere, and even that was someone else's fault. "Well, next time, I'm Not going to touch alcohol or cocaine, I'll just smoke weed." That type of thinking is still me trying to control things or as one of our AA leads said "I like playing God". I want to control everything, and the more I try, the more things spiral out of control.
When I first entered the rooms of recovery, a NA member tried to illustrate to me what step three looked like. She gave me a rock and told me to hold it in my hand with a closed fist and said "That is us holding on to our old ideas and thinking." When we take step two- becoming aware that a force greater than ourselves could return us to sanity, that is opening your fist and loosening your grip on the rock, but the rock is still in your hand. This allows us to easily take our problems and lives back in our control. Taking step three, we turn our hands OVER, letting the rock fall. This is surrender. Our hands are free from the rock and that is our sanity. By the grace of God, I now understand today that most of my problems are the result of my faulty thinking and attitudes. I use to blame circumstances, people, and things. I've learned to let the blame rest squarely on my shoulders where it belongs, and what a heavy weight it is!
However, using the third step I no longer have to carry that weight, my higher power does. When I try to carry that weight, instead of making any progress, I add to the weight. My best thinking and actions leave a path of destruction and misery. So today, I make a conscious decision to "Let Go" of my problems, of my worries, of my relationships, and of my life. "The man who loves his life will loose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life". (John 12:25 NIV)
As I practice step three daily, because it is not a step that is only taken once, I am beginning to find a life that I didn't know existed on the streets during my sickness.
"If it wasn't for those damn (fill in the blank)." Nothing was ever my fault. Eventually standing before a judge and facing jail time,I finally realized that I messed up somewhere, and even that was someone else's fault. "Well, next time, I'm Not going to touch alcohol or cocaine, I'll just smoke weed." That type of thinking is still me trying to control things or as one of our AA leads said "I like playing God". I want to control everything, and the more I try, the more things spiral out of control.
When I first entered the rooms of recovery, a NA member tried to illustrate to me what step three looked like. She gave me a rock and told me to hold it in my hand with a closed fist and said "That is us holding on to our old ideas and thinking." When we take step two- becoming aware that a force greater than ourselves could return us to sanity, that is opening your fist and loosening your grip on the rock, but the rock is still in your hand. This allows us to easily take our problems and lives back in our control. Taking step three, we turn our hands OVER, letting the rock fall. This is surrender. Our hands are free from the rock and that is our sanity. By the grace of God, I now understand today that most of my problems are the result of my faulty thinking and attitudes. I use to blame circumstances, people, and things. I've learned to let the blame rest squarely on my shoulders where it belongs, and what a heavy weight it is!
However, using the third step I no longer have to carry that weight, my higher power does. When I try to carry that weight, instead of making any progress, I add to the weight. My best thinking and actions leave a path of destruction and misery. So today, I make a conscious decision to "Let Go" of my problems, of my worries, of my relationships, and of my life. "The man who loves his life will loose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life". (John 12:25 NIV)
As I practice step three daily, because it is not a step that is only taken once, I am beginning to find a life that I didn't know existed on the streets during my sickness.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Made a Decision
"Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong." -As Bill Sees It
Iv'e Always been somewhat of a loner. Even before I was ever incarcerated, I felt like an outcast, like I just didn't fit in anywhere. I was always great at starting up friendships, but always found a reason to distance myself and isolate myself. it seemed like my friends and family never lived up to my expectations, and I let them know it by drinking and using. For that matter, life never seemed to be up to my standards either. So, i drank and used while I said "F@%# the world!" My belief was that i was only hurting myself.
I would have moments of clarity, realizing that my addictions were in fact hurting those around me. Those closest to me would reach out to help, but either accused them of ulterior motives or pushed them away because I wasn't ready to change. I would find myself feeling so lonely,as if everyone had turned their back on me. When in reality it was I who had turned my back on them in my selfishness.
When I first decided to change, and try the rooms of recovery, I didn't understand fully what people meant when they talked about the "fellowship". I was so use to doing things by myself, and being alone. I wanted to just "work the steps", and go on about my life without drinking and doing drugs. Why would I need the help of other addicts? Isn't that like the blind leading the bind? I really didn't like people. In reality, I didn't like myself. I continued to struggle with this type of thinking for over a year. I came to prison and finally truly surrendered to God and said, "Your will not mine be done". This freed my mind enough to objectively look at how "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another" is at the core of every recovery. I can't stay sober by myself. I have to give it away. It's the age old principle that is more blessed to give than to receive. I used to think that I just wanted to be left alone. I've come to realize that loneliness is my enemy, and I'm grateful to the fellowship that I don't have to be alone anymore. I've come to realize, that I need other addicts just as much as they need me. So as we celebrate Independence day, Remember that recovery is not independent but interdependent.
Iv'e Always been somewhat of a loner. Even before I was ever incarcerated, I felt like an outcast, like I just didn't fit in anywhere. I was always great at starting up friendships, but always found a reason to distance myself and isolate myself. it seemed like my friends and family never lived up to my expectations, and I let them know it by drinking and using. For that matter, life never seemed to be up to my standards either. So, i drank and used while I said "F@%# the world!" My belief was that i was only hurting myself.
I would have moments of clarity, realizing that my addictions were in fact hurting those around me. Those closest to me would reach out to help, but either accused them of ulterior motives or pushed them away because I wasn't ready to change. I would find myself feeling so lonely,as if everyone had turned their back on me. When in reality it was I who had turned my back on them in my selfishness.
When I first decided to change, and try the rooms of recovery, I didn't understand fully what people meant when they talked about the "fellowship". I was so use to doing things by myself, and being alone. I wanted to just "work the steps", and go on about my life without drinking and doing drugs. Why would I need the help of other addicts? Isn't that like the blind leading the bind? I really didn't like people. In reality, I didn't like myself. I continued to struggle with this type of thinking for over a year. I came to prison and finally truly surrendered to God and said, "Your will not mine be done". This freed my mind enough to objectively look at how "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another" is at the core of every recovery. I can't stay sober by myself. I have to give it away. It's the age old principle that is more blessed to give than to receive. I used to think that I just wanted to be left alone. I've come to realize that loneliness is my enemy, and I'm grateful to the fellowship that I don't have to be alone anymore. I've come to realize, that I need other addicts just as much as they need me. So as we celebrate Independence day, Remember that recovery is not independent but interdependent.
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